Traumatised

I woke startled at about 2 am earlier this morning. "Jan, bangun, pencuri.. " ("Jan, wake up, thieves..")Kak Tine whispered to me. OMG. Not again! That was the first thing I thought. I looked at Kak Tine pacing the room, hiding stuff. My heart was beating very fast and I can feel the slight tremors in my body. I felt nausea. My hands were shaking. Please, Allah, no, not this again, I thought again. I asked Kak Tine what to do, because I was there, sitting on my mattress, doing nothing. Kak Tine asked me to call Dik. Dik was upstairs. So I called Dik and told him about what Kak Tine heard. Then I called home, which was stupid I know, I should already know not to call home. After 2 rings, I hang up and called Papa. Papa picked up the phone and I told him that Kak Tine heard something.

Then we waited. And waited.

While we waited, Kak Tine was still busy hiding valuables and I looked at myself. I didn't have anything valuable with me except my ipod nano and the phone I was holding. All I had was robbed. Read here about it. So, I just put my ipod under my mattress. Hahahahahah stupid I know cuz that would be the first to look out for and who wants an old ipod anyway, not those robbers. But still, my ipod is very valuable to me so I hide it away. hahah, just to have something to do.

Luckily, it was false alarm. But we didn't go out until Dik came to our door and called out that it was him. We even hesitated to open the door at first because that was what happened last time. But I have to know, and wondering what was going on outside, right? So I opened the door and saw Dik, Papa in the living room and Mama in the family area. I was teary eyed, because I was so relieved that it was nothing. No robbers in sight. Papa and Dik thought it maybe the sound of mangoes falling on the roof at the back.

I had a hard time getting back to sleep. I felt the nausea in my stomach.

I can see how the July event traumatised us. We were all shakened up. I still feel scared right now. Even the slightest sound, makes us paranoid.

I hate feeling this way. Scared to be in your own home. Scared to fell asleep at night. I began to gain back my sense of security but last night event has scared me back again. I haven't been sleeping alone for such a long time. I don't want to go through that all over again.

I hate the trauma. I feel insecure about my safety most of the time. Sometimes it is good to have this back in your mind, but sometimes I am just tired of being nervous or scared. I prefer not to go out at night, unless I have someone with me and I have this paranoia all the time!

I am exhausted. My heart is still beating very fast, and I can still feel my body shaking.

I just want to feel safe again.